I think I won the penis lottery.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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