wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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