Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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