On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
