Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
