i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
