you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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