I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
