around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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