Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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