Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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