You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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