I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
