so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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