So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Randomize
