Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
