the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize