god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
