my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
