Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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