so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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