just come out here and I will go home with you...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
