My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
