Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
