Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
