On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
