Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
