so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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