i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
