Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
