Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize