Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
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