I am puke
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
