fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
