At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
