I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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