i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
