New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize