Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
