I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
