No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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