My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
