Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
