Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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