How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
