Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
