Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
