I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
