no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
