I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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