we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
