I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
