Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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