this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
