Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
