This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
