Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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