I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
